


From My Weakness, I Drew Strength

by thatnerdemryn



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Andrew Underhill, Jace Wayland is Bad at Feelings, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Jace Wayland, Parabatai Feels, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28557858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/pseuds/thatnerdemryn
Summary: “I know it’s ridiculous to be this concerned for a routine mission, but--”“But you still haven’t told Andrew how you feel,” Alec finished for him and Jace nodded solemnly in response.“The timing has never seemed right,” Jace argued even as Alec raised his eyebrows. It was a lame excuse, Jace knew; there was never a good time for a confession of love and risk being rejected by the person Jace had been pining after for months.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Lorenzo Rey, Andrew Underhill/Jace Wayland
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	From My Weakness, I Drew Strength

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Noteventhat (Facialteeth)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/gifts).



> Thank you so much [facialteeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat) for the support ♥️ 
> 
> I have never written this pairing before, but I'm always up for a challenge 😉 I know you love them and wanted to give you the angst and feelings you deserve. Thank you for being such a talented writer and wonderful friend ♥️
> 
> Special thanks to [Elle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell) for pep talking me through this!!

**“Every weakness contains within itself a strength.”**

**― Shusaku Endo**

* * *

“Go hang out with your brother and Lorenzo, Jace. This is a routine mission and I’ve got Izzy by my side,” Andrew said, pressing a solid hand to Jace’s shoulder. Jace tried not to flinch away from the contact because every time Andrew touched him was just a reminder that they were friends when Jace wanted them to be anything  _ but. _

“These new demons are unpredictable, An-- Underhill. There’s supposed to be at least three shadowhunters to each mission,” Jace said, trying to make sure the fear wasn’t as prominent in his voice as it was in his mind. 

Andrew just laughed and patted Jace’s cheek teasingly before he said, “You’re telling me that Izzy and I don’t equal at  _ least _ three regular shadowhunters? I’m wounded, Jace, really.” Jace rolled his eyes and swatted Andrew’s hand away, unable to stop the small smile from tugging at the corner of his lips. 

“We’ll be at Lorenzo’s for a few hours. Do you-- Why don’t you guys stop by after? I’m sure they’d love to see you,” Jace said, hoping his fib was believed. It wasn’t a complete lie - Alec and Lorenzo had a soft spot for Andrew and an even softer spot for Jace’s pining over him - but Jace knew the only reason the invite left his lips was because he had to make sure Andrew was okay after his mission. Andrew was one of the most talented shadowhunters the Institute had, but that didn’t stop Jace from worrying he would get hurt. 

“We’ll be in and out in no time,” Andrew assured him as if sensing Jace’s hesitation. Jace sighed as Andrew continued, “Then we’ll head to Lorenzo’s and party because we all know he throws the best ones.” Andrew winked at Jace who had to push back the small sliver of jealousy that rushed through him as Izzy came to gather him for the mission. 

When Andrew disappeared to grab his weapons, Izzy nudged Jace and promised, “He’ll be fine, Jace. I’ve got his back.” 

* * *

It had been two hours since his sister and his-- Andrew, left to scour the streets for the newest demon attacking mundanes and downworlders alike. The mission was supposed to be complete judging by the elaborate clock hanging in Lorenzo’s living room and Jace felt his fear prickling at the back of his neck and a stutter in his heart each passing moment. Lorenzo and Alec were entertaining the best they could with the cloud of dread Jace seemed to drag into their home, but Alec was seemingly distracted by Jace’s mood as he removed himself from his boyfriend’s side to wander over to his parabatai. 

“Still no word?” Alec asked. Jace was grateful that there was no judgment or annoyance in his tone as he squeezed himself between Jace and the side of the couch. Jace just shook his head and checked his phone one more time even though he hadn’t heard the telling chime of either Izzy or Andrew’s ringtones. 

“I know it’s ridiculous to be this concerned for a routine mission, but--” 

“But you still haven’t told Andrew how you feel,” Alec finished for him and Jace nodded solemnly in response. 

“The timing has never seemed right,” Jace argued even as Alec raised his eyebrows. It was a lame excuse, Jace knew; there was never a good time for a confession of love and risk being rejected by the person Jace had been pining after for months. 

Alec said as much. “You have to put yourself out there, parabatai. I know it’s scary and it’s making yourself more vulnerable than you’ve ever been but--” Alec glanced at Lorenzo and a fond smile crossed his lips, “It’s worth it, I promise you.” 

Jace had wished for that. He saw the way Alec smiled at Lorenzo and the way Lorenzo waved back almost shyly which was so unlike his usual confident self. Somehow Alec and Lorenzo were perfect and Jace couldn’t help but think that he and Andrew would be, too, if he only had the guts to give them a shot. As if reading Jace’s mind, Alec grabbed his hand and flipped it over, pressing his finger to Jace’s wrist gently. He traced what Jace recognized as the fearless rune into his skin before kissing his forehead solidly and making his way back to Lorenzo. He pressed himself into Lorenzo’s side and kissed him on the cheek as if remembering how lucky they were. 

It was all Jace needed to see to run back to the Institute. He made it in record time, stopping at the ops center to take a deep breath and try to push the fear that was flooding through him away. His heart stopped when he saw Izzy dragging herself into the room covered in blood and ichor. 

“Jace, I’m--” Before she could finish, Jace was at her side, holding her up as tears washed away the grime caked onto her cheeks. The fear he had tried so hard to control rose inside of him like lava, burning through every ounce of hope he had in him. 

“Are you okay? Is  _ Andrew _ okay?” Jace asked even though he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer. Izzy nodded and then shook her head, her mouth opening and closing as if she wasn’t sure how to explain. “Izzy, what happened?” Jace asked softly. He was torn between comforting his distraught sister and wanting to rush to the infirmary to get the answers he so badly needed. 

“They came out of nowhere. We were heading back to the Institute and Andrew, he was--” Her breath caught on a sob as she peered up at Jace. “We didn’t even see them and all I heard was Andrew screaming,” she cut herself off with another gasping breath. “There was another team around the corner to help me fight them but-- I don’t know how he’s doing. His iratze is taking too much time but there’s no venom in his system according to Ragnor. I didn’t want to leave him--” Jace pressed her close and ran a hand over her knotted hair soothingly as she cried into his chest. 

“You need to rest, Iz. I’ll go stay with him, just-- I’m glad you’re okay,” Jace whispered as he kissed her temple before nudging her toward the residential hall. It took everything in him not to sprint to the infirmary but he knew that panic wasn’t going to help Andrew through whatever injuries he had obtained. Jace needed to pull himself together so that he could think and act rationally and he did that by channeling Alec. He focused on the parabatai bond, the way it seemed to flicker with love and laughter and hope, and held onto that comfort as he shuffled to where Andrew rested. 

The moment Jace saw Andrew was like a knife directly through his heart. He felt bile rise into his throat and swallowed it down as best he could before taking a shaky deep breath and stepping beside Andrew’s bed. He was pale, whiter than Jace had ever seen his skin, and his lips weren’t their usual vibrant pink. They were tinted blue and the breath that left them was labored and husky. Jace pulled down the sheet that surrounded him and flinched when he saw the wound covering his lower chest. There was no way his lungs would come out unscathed, but Jace momentarily thanked the angels that it was the side opposite his heart. 

“What happened?” Jace asked as he ran a hand over Andrew’s sweat covered forehead. He was hot, his fever overwhelming him as his body struggled to recover, and Jace took that as a good sign. A fever meant his body was fighting and Andrew was the best soldier Jace had ever known. 

“He’s lucky they were so close to the Institute. I almost didn’t make it in time,” Ragnor commented as he sauntered up to the other side of Andrew’s bed. 

“Is he gonna be okay?” Jace asked as Ragnor combed Andrew’s still body with his magic, the usual soft green color reddening with each passing stroke. 

Ragnor shrugged. “We’ll see if he wakes up,” the warlock commented as his magic disappeared. Jace glared at him but Ragnor was uncaring about it. “I rarely ever see you in here, Mr. Wayland. What makes this one so special?” Ragnor disappeared without waiting for an answer and Jace was stuck on the question. 

What  _ did _ make Andrew so special? Jace wasn’t sure why his feelings for Andrew were so much stronger than he had ever felt for anyone previously. He knew that Andrew was attractive by any standard. His too-long curly hair resembled Jace’s color almost perfectly and his blue eyes seemed to match the glow of his seraph blade when it lit up in his hand. He was tall and broad, the total opposite of Jace, and his smile never seemed to dim on his lips. Jace would’ve had to have been blind not to notice the incredibly good looks the angels had blessed him with. 

But there was so much more that attracted Jace to him. Andrew was a soldier, first and foremost, willing to do whatever it took to protect and fight for his Institute, and Jace had always admired that about him. Jace hadn’t known much about Andrew’s past, but it was because he always focused on the present and looked forward to the future. Jace had always found himself stuck in the past and Andrew reminded him that while the past was important to learn from, it didn’t matter to nearly anyone  _ besides _ Jace. It had him looking at the world so much different than he had ever let himself. 

As a man, Andrew was confident without ego, brave without bragging, strong but with the knowledge of his weaknesses. He didn’t want to be anyone other than himself because he was happy with who he was. At first, Jace wasn’t sure he was jealous of Andrew, if he had wanted to  _ be _ him as opposed to like him. But then Andrew talked to Jace when he was at his worst, touched him when he needed comfort, and looked at him as if he was something worth remembering and Jace was nothing if not gone for how Andrew made him feel. 

“You’ve gotta wake up,” Jace whispered, his lips brushing against Andrew’s ear with every word as he rested his forehead to Andrew’s temple. “You can’t die on me before I can use that bravery and strength you’ve taught me all about, okay?” 

He closed his eyes, gripping Andrew’s hand tightly in his own, and let himself sleep off the panic thrumming underneath his skin. 

* * *

“I’m sorry I didn’t--” Izzy’s watery voice rang through Jace’s ears, but he was barely awake enough to respond. There were gentle fingers stroking through his hair and the lull of breathing moving his head up and down to a comforting rhythm. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so soundly and he didn’t want it to be over yet. 

“You did  _ nothing _ wrong, Isabelle. Ragnor said that you got me back here just in time, so accept my thank you and go get some rest. You look like hell.” It was Andrew’s voice that had Jace catapulting up from where he was hunched over onto the bed. Andrew winced as his hand fell to the mattress and Jace’s eyes widened in response. When he realized the fingers in his hair must have been Andrew’s, a blush darkened his cheeks and he glanced up at Izzy in hopes that Andrew wouldn’t notice. 

“He’s right, you know. About everything,” Jace said with a nod and a small smile, his need to comfort his sister pushing through the embarrassment he felt from falling asleep on Andrew. Izzy nodded and pressed a kiss to Andrew’s forehead before squeezing Jace’s shoulder on her way out. She looked at him, her eyes clearly stating that he was an idiot and that now was his shot, but Jace had already known that. 

“Hi,” Andrew croaked, his eyes blinking slowly as he struggled to stay awake. 

“Hey,” Jace said with a small laugh of relief. He couldn’t stop himself from lacing his fingers with Andrew’s again now that he knew it wasn’t completely unwanted. Andrew squeezed his hand as best he could but the delicacy of it showed how weak Andrew still was. “You should be sleeping,” Jace said because every other word that seemed to float around them was too serious, too much of a discussion that he wasn’t sure an injured Andrew was ready for. 

“Ragnor’s gonna come knock me out in a few minutes. He wanted to earlier, but I wanted to send you to bed first,” Andrew responded, a smile on his face. Jace wasn’t sure how his smile was so bright when he knew the pain Andrew felt was unmatchable. 

“Well, I’m awake so…” Jace went to pull away but Andrew gripped his hand tighter and didn’t let him move an inch. 

“I was almost killed, Jace,” Andrew said, his voice full of exasperation that Jace couldn’t quite place. He nodded as his eyes glanced down to the slowly healing hole in Andrew’s chest. 

“You think I don’t know that?” Jace spat. He hated that his first response was always to be on the defense. He knew he didn’t have to protect himself from Andrew, but for some reason, his head was screaming at him to run away and hide his heart. 

“I know you know that. And I also know that you’ve been here for almost 24 hours, by my side, when there were plenty of other places for you to be,” Andrew shot back. Jace tried to tear his hand away again, but Andrew gripped even tighter, the pain it caused present on his scrunched face.

Jace apologized and said, “I didn’t need to be anywhere else.”  _ I didn’t want to be _ was left unsaid. 

“I’m lying in this bed, injured almost to the point of unmoving, and you  _ still _ can’t just tell me?” Andrew accused, an almost pleading tone to his voice that had every muscle in Jace’s body tensing in worry. 

“Tell you?” Jace whispered, doing everything in his power to avoid the way Andrew was looking at him. Andrew sighed and Jace’s heart stopped beating when he pulled his hand away to rest it on his stomach. 

“I’m awake and Ragnor says I need to not be and right now,” Andrew looked away, “I don’t know that I want to be conscious either.” 

“I was terrified!” Jace blurted before he could stop himself. Jace wasn’t sure what Andrew wanted to know so he decided to just tell him everything. “I was so scared that I was shaking and-- and  _ crying _ over your unconscious body because I didn’t know how to handle the fact that you were hurt, okay? I feel fear so rarely and I don’t  _ have _ the weaknesses that others have but--” Jace took a deep breath and held Andrew’s hand delicately in his own until Andrew turned back to connect their eyes. “My weakness is apparently you,” Jace said simply as he gazed into Andrew’s ocean blue stare. 

“Why did it take you so long?” Andrew asked slowly. He didn’t seem half as scared as Jace was or even a little surprised at the confession and Jace wasn’t sure how to handle that. 

“Because you’re so  _ sure _ of yourself. You’re so sure of  _ me _ \- more than anyone ever has been - and I was--” Jace shook his head as Andrew stroked a trembling hand over his cheek. “You were -  _ are _ \- too important to me to risk losing whatever this is between us. If I have to--” 

“You don’t have to worry about that, Jace. I’ve been waiting for you to come around for weeks and if this near-death experience taught me anything, it’s that our job means everyday matters. I’m not going to wait until you’re on this bed to tell you that you’re my weakness, too,” Andrew confessed, the smile on his face never faltering. 

Jace moved forward as carefully as he could given Andrew’s injuries - he was also giving Andrew the chance to take it all back even though he wasn’t sure his heart could take it - before holding Andrew’s face delicately in his hands. Without another word, he pressed their lips together gently but with more emotion filling it than Jace had ever put into another kiss. He wanted Andrew to understand that even though he was Jace’s weakness, Andrew was also his strength, his bravery, his compassion, his happiness, his confidence, his present, and more importantly, his future. 

Andrew kissed him back and it was like everything that had piled up in Jace’s mind - the years of torment and abuse, the decades of trying his hardest to be important, to be perfect - didn’t matter because Andrew had always been the one to remind him that the only thing that mattered was where they were at that moment and where they would end up. Jace was sure wherever their life would take meant that they would be together and nothing else was more important. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to follow me on [Tumblr](https://thatnerdemilyj.tumblr.com/) and [Twitter](https://twitter.com/thatnerdemilyj/) for chaotic content. 
> 
> If your looking to scream about Shadowhunters and don't know where to go, come join a super fun [Discord](https://discord.gg/5nBgEp8)!
> 
> Kudos make me smile and comments make me weep, so please leave them!


End file.
